misunderstood?!?

Sometimes I feel like I am truly misunderstood, or that the people who I need to listen to me, just don’t get it, or don’t want to (maybe).

I ask a very very simple question, and I get back the most rude/ aggressive tone, and get accused of something, when it was just a simple question. How is that fair?

All I wanted to know (which I ask every week) is if you spoke to someone. It isn’t because I don’t trust you, or because I don’t believe you, it is merely a very simple question. I know it is hard to just not talk to people, and trust me, I so understand that.

There is no reason to get upset with me, or accuse me of anything. I am sorry that I upset you, but this isn’t fair.

oh the feelings

You asked me how I felt, so here goes it:

I feel happy because:
I have an amazing hubby
I have an amazing family
the few good friends I have are beyond wonderful
I finally feel I am contributing to *our* money
I started working out again
I found some bras under 30 bucks I like and hold me in
my nails are actually growing
I haven’t cut my hair yet
I found a $.99 dress and it fit

I feel sad because:
I hate fighting
I hate crying myself to sleep
I feel like I could do better
I sometimes hate that my hubby talks to someone
I haven’t lost much weight
I want to go back to school
I am not working
I sometimes hate that I lost some of my friends from HS
I have so much inside of me that needs to be released
I don’t like being lied to
I hate that I am not speaking to someone who I need to talk to
I don’t like having people hide things from me
I don’t like being hated
I hate people who blow things out of proportion.
I don’t like being ignored
I hate my hubby signs off at work so we cant talk
I feel like sometimes hubby doesn’t understand me
I am not my hubby’s best friend
I sometimes don’t trust people
I sometimes OVER trust people and get hurt
I am not sure when we will have a house and it’s stressful
I want to have kids before I am old, but I am not sure if it will happen

I feel confused because:
Life is confusing
I don’t know if the issue I am having is just something that needs to be talked about more, or if a professional needs to step in.
my name is Alicia, and yeah

I feel lonely because:
My hubby is my best friend, and the only one I really talk to about anything, and when him and I aren’t talking, I have to keep everything inside and he has people he can talk to about things (even if sometimes they do discuss things they shouldn’t, or it’s people I would prefer he didn’t talk to, he still has people)\

Here is a little poem (I found on the internet):
What do you do when your feelings are mixed up inside you
You try to be happy but inside your always blue
At times you’d like to cry but theres people all about
So you hold it back and try not to pout
You try not to think of the bad times you had
And try to be happy but inside your always sad
You know exactly what you really want to say
But you can never get it out to this very day
It runs about in your head both day and night
And it doesn’t go away no matter how hard you fight
People ask “How are you” you say “good” what a lie
If they only knew you would really rather cry
No matter what you do it is always on your mind
And all the people around you are so happy and kind
You try everything but nothing seems to work
All that pain because of one little hurt
No one understands what your going thru now
You want to live a happy life but you don’t know how.

I can’t, I just can’t

My title is “I can’t, I just can’t” and the reason is … I can’t, I just can’t let this go. I mean I understand people may not like me, and I am perfectly fine with that. But to have someone completely hate me, to have someone talk bad about me to the people in my life who I love the most, to have someone believe things about me that aren’t true, to have someone make assumptions about me, and try to make other people believe these made up things about me …well I can’t, I just can’t take that. I won’t allow it, nope, sorry!
I am a very strong, independent, bubbley, sweet girl and I do not and will not EVER put up with anyone’s shit, especially a girl who knows nothing about me, but maybe one side of a story (who when the person speaks of me, we are normally fighting), so she is getting a pissed off, may not be fully true side of the story. This girl has no right to judge me, but yet she does. Then after she judges me, she assumes other things about me, and then she thinks of me as a bad person. Me a bad person, are you freaking kidding me. I am probably one of the most generous sincere people you will meet.

I asked several of my friends, some from my young years, some from only sports, others who have known me forever this question: Was I a kind/ generous girl? … and here are some of their answers.

Tammy – VERY, YOU WOULD GIVE SOMEONE THE SHIRT OFF YOU BACK IF THEY NEEDED IT!
Jo- Always, your one of the most *special* people around.
Matt – you’d give anything you have to anyone who needed it more than you which would make you extremely generous in my book
Chris- you’d listen until i talked myself to sleep and you’d still be listening (which is so kind)

ugh, anyways, I am just a little upset. I just wish this girl would talk to me, and try to work out the issue. I wish she would be the big 23 yr old she is, instead of acting like a stupid 12 yr old and talking to everyone else and not me. How is the problem ever going to be solved if you don’t take it up with the person your having the issue with?
I am not saying I want to be best friends with her, but I would atleast like to try and get the problem solved enough to where in time we could try and see how a friendship would work. How does she expect to ever see her friend (my hubby) if he won’t even try and be civil with me? DUHHHHH

Why Can’t We Be Fri-en-emies?

Fri-en-emies (you know, friends who are enemies).
Oh this glorious new thing. I honestly can say I HATE that term. Either you are friends, or your not. I don’t truly think of people having enemies, but to each their own.

I know in my life I have some people that i try so hard to be friends with, but it just doesn’t happen. I try, and try, and try, and it only gets me more and more and more away from their friendship.

Well honestly, I just don’t know what to do anymore, I serious DO NOT KNOW. Do I keep on trying, or do I just give up and give in? What would you do?

release-ful writing

Lately my mind has been so jumbled up it isn’t even funny. There are a million different things on it, and only so much time for me to sort through them all. I am worried, I am happy, I am nervous, I am over-reacting, I am just being me.

I worry a lot, and most the time it is stupid stuff, but lately my worrying seems to be more real. It’s real because it’s honestly something that affects me everyday. I don’t work (well I do, but I don’t get paid for everything I do). I want a job, maybe even need one. I think not having one is making my mind wonder even more. I want to go back to school, but as of today, this isn’t my biggest worry. I know in time it will happen, and when it does, it will be magical. I want to be a good friend, a good wife, a good person, and I think everyday I am working towards this goal.

I miss some of my old friends, and others, well I am glad they are no longer in my life. (this will be a whole next entry on a different day). I was flipping through an old chicken noodle soup book before I packed them away and maybe give them away and came across a page I highlighted. I read the poem on that page, and I cried. I want to share that poem with you.

” I am a poet writing of my pain.
I am a person living a life of shame.
I am your daughter hiding my depression.
I am your sister making a good impression.
I am your friend acting like I am fine.
I am a wisher wishing this life weren’t mine.
I am a girl who thinks of suicide.
I am a teenager pushing my tears aside.
I am a student who doesnt have a clue.
I am the girl sitting next to you.
I am the one asking you to care.
I am your best friend hoping you’ll be there. ”
by : Krysteen Herna

This poem honestly describes myself in detail (not so much today, but in my past). I can’t say that i am truly proud of myself for the things I have done in my past, but they have made me who I am today. I was always the girl who everyone told their problems too, but I never talked to anyone about mine. I always hide them inside, and then wrote about them. I was always the person who was starving for attention, no matter if it was positive or negative. I had many problems (again, another day I will go into more details in a full entry), but I lived through them, and am here today to tell my crazy stories.

Well all in all today has been a pleasant day, and I am happy I am able to share it with you. I hope everyone had a good weekend and safe Halloween. Ciao!